Monty's Toilet Reading » Jesus' General (2154 unread)

Jesus' General (10 unread)

Little Malik doesn't celebrate commie holidays

Fetched: September 6th, 2010, 2:01pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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Department of Book Reports: Medium Raw

Fetched: September 5th, 2010, 8:03pm EDT by SeattleTammy

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Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain (Harper, $26.99) Ten years after Kitchen Confidential, Anthony Bourdain is back with another brutal culinary tell-all. The sub-title A Bloody Valentine to the World of Food and the People Who Cook sums it up well. Many of the chefs he talks about fare well, he admires those who work hard and are honest with their audience. Teevee personalities and celebrity chefs are dished and dissected.

In the chapter Go Ask Alice, Tony serves up the back story to Alice Water's now famous crusade to "revolutionize" the White House kitchen and garden and why her hypocrisy was so offensive. He takes her to task for not having voted in 40-some years, but having the nerve to dictate a kitchen & staff she had not bothered to consider. He asks if her ideal world were to be realized, who would be willing to get up at 5am to gather those delicate local vegetables that all might eat organic, regional food in season?
But even by the end of this rant, he concludes that the world is a better place for her bringing attention to the way our food is produced and consumed.

Perhaps the most scathing chapter is Alan Richman is a Douchebag, where he writes of their long standing feud, and how Richman came to write an ugly review of the restaurant Bourdain used to work at 10 years earlier. But that is not what makes Richman a douchebag in his eyes. It is the snarky review of the New Orleans food scene soon after Katrina which draws his hatred. The article isn't available online, but the responses to it sure are.

Bourdain is equally unflinching in self-examination. He realizes how lucky he has been, and that the path through his early addictions surely brought him to this place. He is giddily happy with life now, and the reason for that is his two year old daughter. Parenthood will change all perspectives. He revels in being un-cool while utterly, devotingly doting on this miracle in his life. I recommend his "Black Ops" chapter Lower Education to any parent wishing to counteract the insidious propaganda of McDonald's on young minds.

Anthony Bourdain also has a challenge for all you would be foodies. Answer this question on his website and you might just get picked by him to be published in the paperback edition of Medium Raw:
Medium Raw is available from Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.
The Opinuary Column

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by mjs

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The Opinion "Sarah Palin would never bully or mock a man's penis in defiance of God's commandment that women be subservient to men (1 Corinth. 14:34 -- ...women... must be in submission... )" has died. The Opinion was two years of age at the time of its passing. Born in the musky, tundra veneris of the Great White North, the Opinion lived a quiet and respectable life among the wild orifices and quim bogs that dot the coastline of Real America, and enjoyed camping, fishing and hunting humpbacked whales with satellite-guided missiles.

Six months ago the Opinion was diagnosed with imasculata frittata, a rare and edible form of Word Cancer that spread to Sarah's hands before being smeared across her chops. First manifesting itself as schoolyard taunting it metastasized and spread throughout her entire vocabulary, a vocabulary believed to be as large as six hundred words (seven hundred if you include the numbers 600 thru 700) before coming to rest in her divinely appointed hooty-pie. The Opinion is survived by a conservative call to refrain from mono-pleaseistic sexual acts. Today's conservative must be potent and rigid, but for the lord's sake don't give in to the desire for self-managed orgasm! What's next? Electric cars? Sustainable farming? Besides, if you're like Sarah, you don't want to touch yourself down there--those ink stains are hard to get out!

In lieu of flowers...ah, fuck it. Give 'em flowers.

++++
A fist full of photos

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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Shannon Carson
Field Marshal
Right Wing Extreme Militia

Dear Mr. Shannon,

Today, I received a number of photos from someone who identified himself as "Sir Terry the Limber, Royal Quartermaster." I assume you asked him to send them. If that's the case, thank you for finally coming to your senses. Now, we can get to work.

As per my request, everyone in the photos is wearing their invisible Ephesians 6 Armor of God and nothing else. The skin indentations indicate that you are all wearing your armor correctly except for the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger--none of you have that right. Your man grenades hang freely when they should be tucked safely inside the codpiece. Heck, the overweight hairy guy appears to have three grenades, and they hang so low, they could create a tripping hazard during close arms combat. He needs to police up his satchel charges, immediately.

I'm also concerned by the photo I assume to be yours--it's the only one showing a man holding a scepter. I've been staring at your "little soldier" for a little over an hour now (and as I promised you last night, I did not touch myself, much). While I'm impressed by your little soldier's pistol-barrel-like rigidity, and monstrous length--I estimate it at nearly three inches--I'm more than a little concerned about its shooting end. You appear to have a Judeo-Muslim helmet rather a good, god-fearing, Baptist aardvark down there.

Are you sure you're not some kind of Kenyan?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
American Christian Militia

The Prince And I: Previous discussions with Prince Shannon
I write Prince Shannon
My first call to Prince Shannon.
Calling Prince Shannon again.

Elsewhere: Prince Shannon gives me a shout out on his radio show. Not much there. He started to discuss our militia, then seemed to get sidetracked. I think he might be secretly re-evaluating his position on Spartan-style wrestling. That'd explain why he seemed so preoccupied.
Is Prince Shannon a Libislamunistofascist Agent Provocateur?

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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I just got off of the phone with Prince Shannon, the leader of the Right Wing Extreme Militia, and I have to tell you, I'm very upset. It all started Tuesday night when I received this email:

From: Prince
To: Gen. JC Christian patriot
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 7:03 PM
Subject: We need to talk!

I'm pretty upset with you General. We need to talk before tomorrow nights [sic] show. How dare you try to tear patriots apart at a time like this! Who's [sic] side are you on?
Can you believe that? After all the help I've given him, he asks whose side I'm on.

I couldn't allow him to get away with making such a baseless charge, so I gave him a call. It didn't help. Rather than apologize, he attacked me, saying that my request for photos of him and his men wearing Ephesians 6 Armor of God was simply a sleazy attempt to obtain "naked pictures" of his unit.

But it got even worse after that. He attacked one of our most sacred and cherished warriorly traditions, Spartan-style wrestling, describing it in a way that made it sound cheap, tawdry, and dirty.

I'm hurt and disgusted.

I don't have time to put a recording of the call up right now. I'll try to put it together as another video over the weekend and post it on Monday.

Here are a couple of short excerpts:

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I was going to invite you to come over to the compound and meet me for some Spartan-style wrestling. That's the greatest honor...

Prince Shannon: I'm not going to wrestle naked with a bunch of guys. That's a party I won't come too.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: That's the greatest honor one warrior can give to another. I'm not going to give you that, now.

Prince Shannon: It may have been for that time, General, but the way it works today. You don't think I'm a warrior.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I don't think you deserve the honor of having my rigid shaft driven deep into your cave of shame.

Prince Shannon: No, I don't think so. I don't think that is an honorable thing, you know, to have some man's penis...

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Don't you, don't you make it sound dirty, now.

Prince Shannon: That is dirty general. you've got to be kidding me.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: No, it's a warriorly thing. If you understood the ways of our Spartan warrior forefathers, you'd understand this.

Prince Shannon: I don't care what the ancient Spartan forefathers did if there are a bunch of naked men wrestling around. And I know they were tough. I know that they were, you know, a real force to be reckoned with, the Spartans were. I understand that. OK, but this isn't Sparta. This is America, here. And we're going down the tubes.

And our groups need each other. We don't need to be talking about things like this. If we have disagreements that's one thing, General. I can overlook that. You believe this way. I believe that way. So what. It has nothing to do with our Constitution....General, we're losing our nation right now. We don't need to be arguing and fighting and doing things like this. We're supposed to bring our groups together...

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: You can either send me the photos or not, whatever.

Prince Shannon: Absolutely not. That will not happen, General.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well...

Prince Shannon: No. That will not happen.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well, OK. I offered to help. I really believe that you're probably some kind of libislamunistofascist.

Prince Shannon: You know what. Don't call me a liberal. OK, I am not a liberal... I question your leadership, right now, and i question you for not wanting to band the patriots together, because right now, the biggest roadblock to that happening is you.
He does his radio show tonight at 11:30 pm EST. He's warned me that I'll be his topic. That's a shame. All I was trying to do was help a fellow patriot.

Previously on Jesus's General

I write Prince Shannon

My first call to Prince Shannon.

Update: Prince Shannon responds in my comments section:

Shannon said...
General! You’re offended and I am offended but jcricket is right! Let us not quarrel amongst ourselves. The fight is out there. It’s not amongst the Spartans and the Crusaders. Let’s get those warrior guys on TV to do a show on who would win. The crusaders or the Spartans? I put my money on the Spartans. You have your traditions and we have ours. But we are on the same team. I think also what is going on here with the militia groups are fighting for who will lead this revolution if it ever happens. My point is, NONE of us will. Our founding fathers were the leaders and we are not fighting for anything other than to restore our constitution and bring our nation back to GOD. We have that in common and if the two of us can’t get it together how will we unit the rest? If I offended you, I offer my apology to you and your men. But I also believe you owe me an apology for offending me and my men. By calling us liberals and mocking who we are. Just as you were offended that I don’t agree. But at the end of the day we are still brothers in Christ. I will offer my apology to you on the show tomorrow and I hope you listen and call in.
We can make history and unite the rest of the Christians and conservatives who love Jesus and their country just as much as we do. I will be asking the question tomorrow night, if we did revolt and we won, what would we change and why? Ask yourself that question as I will be thinking about it as well.
Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! 2 It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. 3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,[a] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you,[b] saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
Luke 17:3
And they call the enlightened, "insane!"

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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I first found this video at a patriotic Ron-Paul-supporting Tea Party site. I've lost the url since then, but the message of this video hit me so forcefully, its title was burned into my mind.

It explains the eight veils of perception and how they are used to enslave us. What are these veils?

From the video:

There are over six billion people on the planet. Most of them live and die without having seriously contemplated anything other than what it takes to keep their lives together. Ninety percent of humanity will live and die without having pierced the first veil.

Ten percent of us will pierce the second veil to explore the world of history, the relationship between man and government and the meaning of self-government through constitutional and common law. We will find the worlds of politics...we will have a tendency to accept that government officials, network media personalities, and other "experts are voices of authority...

Ten percent of those of us behind the second veil will pierce through it to find that the resources of the world, including people, are controlled by extremely wealthy and powerful families whose incorporated old world assets have, with modern extortion strategies, become the foundation upon which the world's economy is currently indebted...

Ten percent of us will pierce the fourth veil to discover the Illuminati, Jesuits, Freemasonry and the other secret societies. These societies use symbols and perform ceremonies that perpetuate the generational transfers of arcane knowledge that is used to keep the ordinary people in political, economic and spiritual bondage to the oldest bloodlines on earth...

Ten percent of us will pierce the fifth veil to learn that the secret societies are so far advanced technologically that time travel and interstellar communications have no boundaries and controlling the actions of people is what their members do as offhandedly as we tell our children when they must go to bed...

Ten percent of us will pierce the sixth veil where the demons, aliens, and fallen angels we thought were the fictional monsters of childhood literature are real and are the controlling forces behind the secret societies...

I do not know what is behind the seventh veil, but by this point, most have found God and strive to become a people so enlightened that they brighten the world around them no matter what. [Sarah Palin? Chuck Norris?]

Piercing the eighth veil probably reveals God and His pure energy that is the lite force of all living things.

The irony here is too incredible! Those who are stuck behind veils one through five have little choice but to view the people who have pierced the veils beyond them as insane.

With each veil pierced, exponentially shrinking numbers of increasingly enlightened people are deemed insane by increasing masses of decreasingly enlightened people!
The Prince and the General

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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Last week, I wrote Prince Shannon, the commander of the Right Wing Extreme Militia, offering to help him through a public relations crisis--he volunteered his group to provide security for "Burn the Koran Day," and then, almost immediately, pulled out.

Part of the help I offered, included this:

I'll need photos of you and your men wearing the Armor of God--nothing else, just the Armor of God, so I can evaluate how well you wear it. Oil up before donning it if you can. It'll help me see the indentations the armor will make in your skin. It'll also help if you shave "down there" so I can gauge the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger's fit. I also hope you'll present your Staffs of Righteousness as rigidly as possible--it's kind of an aesthetic thing I like. Same goes for a bit of lipstick--adds a little color to all that flesh.
He responded and asked me to give him a call. I did. We talked for about ten minutes. I recorded it and made this video to share the conversation with my men.

Here are a few excerpts for those of you who are at work and can't listen.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: So you like the crusades, and you hope someday to take Jerusalem for the Christians?

Prince Shannon: I would absolutely like to do that, but we need to take America back first, here.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: But you know there's something about when you get a group of men together, a group of men who all love the Lord and love the capitalist system and love America, love the America we want, that use to be. You get them together for a wrestlin' match, you know, get all oiled up and naked--just like our Spartan forefathers did. And you wrestle, you wrestle hard until one man submits when you drive your hard, rigid, shaft of glory deep into his cave of shame, and that is the bonding moment, the moment when the men come together and you become a unit.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

***

Prince Shannon: We just teamed up and joined with us a North Florida survival group militia. They found out about Right Wing, and they joined up with us too.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Do they have those ghillie suits, the ghillie suits like the snipers wear.

Prince Shannon: Yes. Yes.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I love those so much.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, yeah...

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: You know, one thing about those ghillie suits, when you do shoot your pictures, and you do the part where I ask you to "shave down there." Collect all the clippings. I make ghille suits out of those.

Prince Shannon: Oh yeah, really. [nervous laugh] Wow. Cool.

***

Prince Shannon: You've asked for photos. Well, I'll tell you. we're spread out all across the United States and our members are as well.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well, it's really the only way I can tell if you're wearing the Armor of God like it says in Ephesians 6.

Prince Shannon: Well, like I said, we take on the crusaders--that's the theme we have--and that's the kind of photos you're going to get from us, the white with the red cross.

***

Prince Shannon: ...we need to get together and have a national meeting, somewhere, with all the Christian militia groups in the United States, and there's quite a few of them, including Right Wing, including yourself.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Yeah, they don't know how to take on armor. What you gotta do is get a CCI .22 stinger in your rifle and you shoot right straight down the barrel. What that does is it compresses the [spent] uranium in the round, and it causes a small nuclear explosion and destroys the tank. People don't know that kind of stuff.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, I tell you. I don't know that kind of stuff.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: And you just know he [Obama] is eating babies. You just know he is.

Prince Shannon: Yes. Yes. Yes.

***

Prince Shannon: I will support you guys, and I hope you will support us as well.
Department of Book Reports: The Backlash

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by SeattleDan

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With Glenn Beck and his minions marauding around D.C. this weekend, I wanted to point out a new book by Will Bunch entitled The Backlash: Right-Wing Radicals, High-Def Hucksters and Paranoid Politics in the Age of Obama (Harper $26.00). The book will be released on Tuesday, August 31st, so I haven't had a chance to read it yet. However, I know and loved Bunch's previous book, Tear Down This Myth: The Right-Wing Distortion of the Reagan Legacy ( Free Press $16.00).

Bunch shows us in The Backlash that the these Right-Wingers : Think Obama Isn't an American Citizen. They think Obama wants to put Americans into Concentration Camps. They think Obama is the Anit-Christ.

I am very anxious to read this book. It will be available, of course, at Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

Five years ago, Hurricanes Katrina and Ike highlighted the importance of protecting the environment in order to protect communities. Louisiana’s natural lines of defense – barrier islands, swamps, and wetlands – disappear at the rate of one football field every 45 minutes, leaving communities more vulnerable to future storms. Now, BP’s crude is clearly making matters worse. Gulf Restoration Network is working with event organizers throughout the country to build a nationwide call for a commitment to restoring and protecting the Gulf.

We'll be screening the movie at Lacamas Hall in Second Life, Monday 5pm (PDT or SLT) one of nearly 200 similar events throughout the country, locals will come together in support of the Gulf of Mexico’s people, places, and wildlife to commemorate the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Catastrophic wetlands loss leaves New Orleans and other coastal communities more vulnerable to hurricanes like Katrina, and now BP’s oil disaster continues to impact an already imperiled ecosystem.

Defend the Gulf Movie Screening and Discussion, featuring a compilation of short films designed to educate and inspire that includes the world premier of “Terrebonne,” a family drama set in Louisiana's swamps, a hilarious mockumentary by the creator of Mr. Bill, the compelling and award-winning home by Matt Faust, GRN's Gulf Tides series covering the BP oil disaster, and more.
For more info: [healthygulf.org]
The Opinuary Column

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by mjs

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i have dreamed a wild dream
i have suckled so obscene
i have taken many hits
i must be really lit
i'm having a strange fit
i see three hundred million and ten
three hundred and ten million tits

i was fumbling with her bra
a billion hooks that grab like claws
i would woo her with my wits
we should be putting on the Ritz
please somebody: somebody help me with these tits

oh, momma
oh, momma
valhala
wow-wowza
oh, my darling
oh, darling momma
man, you have a lot of tits

i brought her close for just a taste
not a drop would i dare waste
let me cradle with my mitts
like fine cherries without pits
three hundred and ten million--that's a whole lot of tits

we were kissing at the bar
then i walked her to my car
she is smart, she ain't no ditz
she filled my heart with so much bliss
and she had so many tits!

i was fumbling with her bra
a billion hooks that grab like claws
i would woo her with my wits
we should be putting on the Ritz
please somebody: somebody help me with these tits

oh, momma
oh, momma
valhala
wow-wowza
oh, my darling
oh, darling momma
man, you have a lot of tits

now i'm old and low on cash
putting ointment on my rash
i still have a burning need
i need those tits so i can feed
please somebody: somebody help me with these tits

i have dreamed a wild dream
i have suckled so obscene
i have taken many hits
i must be really lit
i'm having a strange fit
i see three hundred million and ten
three hundred and ten million tits

i was fumbling with her bra
a billion hooks that grab like claws
i would woo her with my wits
we should be putting on the Ritz
please somebody: somebody help me with these tits

oh, momma
oh, momma
valhala
wow-wowza
oh, my darling
oh, darling momma
you have got so many tits

++++

Public domain image of She Wolf suckling Romulus and Remus from WIKIMEDIA COMMONS.

++++
Building a Better Christian Warrior

Fetched: September 3rd, 2010, 2:06pm EDT by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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Shannon Carson
Field Marshal
Right Wing Extreme Militia

Dear Mr. Shannon,

I'm the nation's premiere Christian militia training and crisis management expert, and I think you could use a little help right now. Don't worry, I'm doing it pro-bono. It's a pay-it-forward kind of thing I first picked up from JB Stoner.

You're in real trouble, image-wise, right now. Announcing you'd pull security duty for Pastor Terry Jones's "Burn the Koran Day" and then, almost immediately, backing out was more than just a rookie mistake; it was a rookie disaster. It made you look like a bunch of sequin-spangled pantsuited wussies; not sequin-spangled pantsuited like Elvis--he was, as the kids say, "the bomb"--but like some kind of really bad scooter-riding sideburnless Swedish Euro-pop quartet from France.

I can help you recover. It'll be hard, but if you follow my advice, I think you could become as famous and as intimidating as House Republican Caucus.

Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to lose the handle you're using on your website. I know you think "Prince Shannon" makes you sound like a crusader, but actually, it just reinforces the image that you're an impotent wanker. It's very tinny. You need something much more woody, something like "Emperor Ghorbanifar the Skulldoer." It's the kind of name that'll evoke fear in the hearts of your enemies and cause mothers to pull their children close when you pass by.

Second, you need to look the part. Now, I haven't seen your unit, but I suspect you probably wear black turtlenecks and berets or something very similar. As Christian warriors, you should be wearing the Armor of God (Eph 6:10-17).

Wearing the Armor of God can be tricky. It's invisible, and therefore, hard to position correctly. I can help you with that. I know just how and where it should create impressions on the skin.

I'll need photos of you and your men wearing the Armor of God--nothing else, just the Armor of God, so I can evaluate how well you wear it. Oil up before donning it if you can. It'll help me see the indentations the armor will make in your skin. It'll also help if you shave "down there" so I can gauge the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger's fit. I also hope you'll present your Staffs of Righteousness as rigidly as possible--it's kind of an aesthetic thing I like. Same goes for a bit of lipstick--adds a little color to all that flesh.

The photos should be high resolution, so I can enlarge them enough to be seen on my computer screen from wherever I'm, uh, working, yeah, in my room.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you until I receive the photos. Please send them soon, so I can get right to work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot